Well, it’s time for “one of those” posts…..and there maybe a few of these over the next few weeks as this is a little bit of an emotional time.
For those that have followed me/us on Caringbridge over the years know that I get extremely emotional whenever we take on a new family. The timing of our events intensifies the emotions as Sunfest planning and full on “go time” hit right around Harrison’s death day and now all things Hope Fest are happening around Harrison’s birthday. I often feel like these days would probably come and go and I may not think too much about them if it were not for the connections I was making with families and the constant promoting of theses events for Hope From Harrison, but given the timing it is just how it goes.
Needless to say it has been an emotional few weeks. I have connected with our new families and started to get to know them. Katie and Kyle and Kaden are forever in my heart and soul now. Jillian, Tadd, Lincoln and angel baby Paxton are also forever embedded in my being. We’ve been brought together under the worst circumstances, but now we are Hope From Harrison family and that means forever. I wake up each day and think about them, I send strength to them, I worry about them, I am hopeful for them. I do the same thing for the Orozco’s, The Snow’s, The Dodson’s, Gin and Bren, and Josiah and his family. It was a think about everyday for them and for us. I think about all our struggles, our triumphs, our joys and our sorrows. It is a lot to carry around, but is who I am and it is how it is.
As we work tirelessly on Hope Fest in hopes of creating a HUGE success for Kaden and Lincoln and for Hope From Harrison, I carry a lot of extra emotional weight. I have two more families in my heart. I also have the bittersweet burden of Harrison’s birthday approaching. November 1, in a perfect world, Harrison would be 4. FOUR! And as I was working away on things a few minutes ago on the website for Hope Fest I decided to take a peak at the video called “Harrison’s journey.” It is extremely difficult for me to watch, in fact I hadn’t watched it since his funeral (aka “Celebration”) until Harper came home from the hospital. Tonight I watched about a minute and turned it off. As I watched and cried and felt my broken heart ache throughout my entire body I realized he died at 5 months and 3 days. Tomorrow my Harper turns 5 months and 3 days.
I was looking at the photos to see the similarities in features of Harrison and Harper. There is something about them that is so similar, more so than with Maxwell, and yet different. However, I just felt the need to have a peak and revisit their faces. As I looked at Harrison the same thoughts come into my head now as they did on those very days the pictures were taken, “why can’t he get better?” “how can such a precious little person with such beautiful skin and all his perfect beautiful parts be so sick?” “Why the hell can’t my baby move?” It was then that it hit me, “what will be another beautiful and heart warming day with Harper was my last day with Harrison.” And as the tears pour down my face in that consideration I am so grateful for Harper’s health, so thrilled that her smile and slobber make my heart explode with joy and happiness, and so sad so to not have had more days with Harrison.
And with that the journey continues. With each emotional moment I have the strength and desire to support other families continues. The goal of adding brightness to their darkest hours continues and the love of loving others grow stronger. May Hope Fest be a beautiful day of love and celebration for all we have loved and lost and those here with us that deserve to be loved, cared for and filled with HOPE.