It is interesting what can trigger an emotion of Harrison. Here is what happened two nights ago:
I was changing Harper’s diaper during the night and as I pulled her sweet legs out of her footed pajamas I had the clearest flashback to Maxwell at the same age and doing the same thing. I could so perfectly picture his soft little legs as I pulled them out of his jammies to change his diaper. He had the skinniest little legs and they were so bowed. I pictured it as if I were holding them in my hands. And then I looked at Harper’s precious legs; just as soft but perfectly straight and chunky.
In that moment of precious memory and experience of my children Harrison flashed in my mind. Had I ever put him in a proper pair of pajamas? Had his sweet legs ever been in footed pajamas and could I even picture with such precision his legs? The answer to these questions that popped into my head was “NO.” No he hadn’t ever worn a pair of pajamas and no I could picture his legs.
I burst into tears and cried myself to sleep. I am crying right now as I type this.
It never goes away, it just doesn’t. And as I so joyfully and lovingly experience my sweet Harper (and believe me, I am enjoying every delicious ounce of her!!!) each day I also face many memories of Harrison. Some memories sweet and precious, some heartbreaking. All lead me to tears for the little time we had with him and for all that was missed. I love him just as much as my other two and I’m grateful for the snuggles and time we did have. But heart never stops breaking for what we did not have.
Some day I hope to find peace and happiness in what was rather than was not. For now I continue on my journey and just “BE” with the triggers as they hit.
With lots of love and gratitude for all that continue to be with me on my emotional journey,
Melissa
Mommy of 3: Maxwell, Harper and Angel Baby Harrison
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